Truth

My life, isn't as happy as you think it is. And i'm not as happy as you think i am. Most of the people think, being me, is a really nice thing because they think my family is rich, happy, peaceful, and most of them think, i'm always happy. But the truth is, i'm not. For the past few years, I've always loved to make people happy. When i was younger, someone told my mom i hated my whole family, and i hated her, and my mom was really sad, so she took me to the orphanage. I begged and begged her not to put me here. Thats what i remembered. So she took me to my aunt's kindergarten. I sat there for a full of three exact days. And i kept thinking. Who would do this to me and why. And long after, i found out. But because i didn't want to hurt her feelings, i didn't mention this up, and i didn't blame her for anything. I just kept it to myself until now. And at that moment, i was in year 2. I was eight years young. And my dad was in the hospital for an operation for his leg. After a few days, i called my mom and apologize to her. Cause i know that if i don't, i won't have a home anymore. So i apologize, for nothing. but i apologized. Then, i went to the hospital, and apologized to my dad too. At the moment, i just felt so stupid, and sad. I kept thinking, why am i apologizing? I didnt say anything like that. Why would she do this to me? After how good i treated her, she would do this to me? How could she? But i still kept it to myself. That was a small thing. After that, when i start making friends, bestfriends, i was still scared i would break their heart or hurt them. So every time when teacher asks whos fault is it, i would stand and say it's mine. Furthermore, i'm ugly and short. No one likes me. They used me. But i didn't blame them. Until now....I hate myself so much. Why? For caring those that hurt me and for blaming myself for someone else's fault. Just to see them happy. This may make you think i'm seeking for attention. But no. I'm fine with no friends. I just don't know why, even my bestfriends does this to me. Why? Because i'm too ugly? too stupid? too dumb so you could use me and talk behind my back and ruin my life? Well, all i wanted to say was, i just wanted all of you to be happy. And i didn't want to hurt anyone's heart. But why are you hurting mine? I told you all my secrets, i trusted you, i gave you everything i could. But that is what i get in return? And you know what? I'm not stupid. I know what you guys are talking about. Making fun of me. I know all of that. I have a brain too. I have feelings. I'm also a human. If you want to say something to me, then just say it infront of me. I can tell you everything. Why would you talk behind my back. Every time when that thing isn't my fault. I always tell you it's mine so you would feel better. But now? Damn it. No more. I ain't going to be a nice person if you're not nice to me. I always try not to hurt you and at the end i'm the one getting hurt. You guys are my bestfriend. But none of you understand what i feel deep inside. You guys just think I'm dump and stupid. But I'm not! I've always think of you guys as my bestfriend. But i guess, you don't think of me as one. I'm fine with it. But stop doing this hurting things to others. God can see what you are doing. God knows. Don't only think about what you feel, think about how others will feel. And will you like it if someone treats you like that? I don't think so. And if you haven't tried how it feels, i'm sure you don't want to. Cause it makes you feel, lonely, alone, dislike, hated, unwanted. Imagine if you were in my shoes. After how good you treat them, and all they do is just backstabbing you, hurting you, and using you. And they think you're dumb. At least i'm smart enough and i don't cut myself. Because i know God gave me this life to accomplish something. And not to end it. But seriously, being me isn't nice. I've never told anyone how i really feel. Because i'm scared they would start thinking i'm an attention whore, a bitch or something. And i damn well don't want anymore dramas in my life. I've had enough. I'm not stupid, i have ears and eyes, and can see and hear what your trying to say or do. I just still don't understand why i'm treated like this. :(